Missing him

I never realized how much I love and wanted him until he decided to vanish. I can see his face and smell his skin. He doesn’t know I love him either. I cant tell him. I am not good with this stuff at all. I want to shout my love to him and say love me you bastard but I cant. I only have one song that describes my love to him. Ever heard the song Dont Leave Me Behind by We Are the Fallen. Every time I hear this song I can see his face. Its like wanting someone who doesnt even know you exist. I dont exist.



I ran you away

I always do that

I cant get hurt if you are not here

My heart aches

My mind cant escape

Full of regret and sadness

I did this to myself

Ill die alone

I deserve that too

First nice guy who did nothing wrong

No rape

No abuse

No cheating

No anger

Yet bruised and broken

I push you away

So i cry alone

Knowing that ill die alone

I am done

Ill go away

Just disappear

Make sure nobody can find me

The beginning

Here I sit in the therapist office wondering did I deserve to be here and strapped to a chair. I did kill a bunch of guys and slit my wrists. Did that make me crazy? Am I crazy? Of course not they started it. I hate bullies. I was tired of being picked on. I was tired of the pain and tears. Well nobody will suffer anymore. The final straw was when I was left for dead and drugged on the side of the road. Friends? No. They could never be a friend to me. So I took them out. One by one they fell dead like flies. I am not crazy. Just a victim pushed too far.


I wonder can my soul be swollen. Can it suffocate me and choke me to death? Can I gag and try to caught it up to cleanse the darkness in myself? I have tried as I scream and scratched my throat bloody to get the evil out of me. He wont leave. He will never leave. He is me and I am him.

Not fast just smart

We were being chased but i am not sure by what. He thought it would be fun to play a paranormal game but it wasn’t we were going to die.

I was running out of breath as my friend kept apologizing. He pushed me to keep running as the lights in the streets started to go dark around us. I was going to die in my pajamas because my friend is a moron.

I turned around to see the dog like creature with hands like an owl’s foot. I told him it wasn’t me as I apologized and cried for my dumb friends behavior. I told him since he summoned him he could have him if he let me free.

He looked at me and approached me as I covered my eyes to prepare for my death…..nothing happened. I opened my eyes to see all the street lights on and my friend gone. I could here his screams getting further and further away.

I smiled because it was actually me who called him but I wasn’t going to let him take us both. Somebody has to live why not me.

Cold blood

I swam to a surface of blood. The sea bled red for miles. I climbed on land with blood on every inch of my body. I wiped my eyes to see not a soul around and I didnt know how I got here. I wasnt afraid. I was curious. There was no way out. Then two doors appeared. A gate keeper arrived to give my options to redeem myself from this hell. The first door was back to my old life which gave me a chance to prevent the mistake that sent me to hell. The second gate gave me a new life but I wouldnt remember my old life or my hellish experience. I love my family so I wanted my old life but I didnt want the bad memories of my life. I looked at the gate keeper and decided on the new life. He told me I couldnt change my mind and I agreed. The door opened as I stepped in………I should have went back to my old life……

Bleeding Soul

My eyes bleed and all I can think about is killing you. I watch you sleep and feel every ounce of pain you give me. I could kill you. I see myself stabbing you over and over. You dont love me and you never will. You are a manipulative person. I was a victim. I wanted love and acceptance. Its my own fault but I would go to hell if I could take you with me so we could suffer as one.


I lied awake taped to the bed. He stood over me with gasoline and a lighter. He wanted to sacrifice me to the devil. He said the devil wanted a pure soul. I laughed at him. I told him my soul hasnt been pure since birth. He stood frozen and confused as I cut the tape off my legs. I stabbed him in the chest repeatedly with the scissors. I poured the gas on him and set him on fire in the middle of the hotel room. I walked out the door and closed the door behind me.


Inside I died. I felt every ounce of my soul leak out my pores. I wanted to cut my skin off. I wanted to die. I would deal with the consequences of going to hell if it mean leaving this hell I called my life. I thought about all the ways I could kill myself. None of them seemed good enough at the time. I wanted to hurt all the way until my last breath. I didnt want the classic slit my wrist way or to hang myself. I didnt own a gun but even then I didnt want to shot myself. I couldnt swallow a bottle of pills either. I decided to die by electrocution. It was perfect and extremely painful until the end. I showered and didnt dry off. I stuck my finger in the socket. My life flashed and I didnt miss anything about it. I smelled my flesh burning. I didnt cry or scream. I felt relieved it was finally over. I looked at my body as I stood up. I felt free…..I dont regret my death. 


I lie next to him thinking of someone else. I tried to forget him but I miss him. He left me alone to die or neglect and sadness so I found something fun. The pain and the pleasure was beyond unbearable. It was what I need after my heart was broken and i wanted to die. Now I am lying here wondering what I do now. I cant go back but there is no future here. I sat up and cried half the night but I couldnt remember why. I have thoughts of just killing him and throwing him in my trunk. Both of them. Then again I could runaway and start over but I am tired of leaving a trail of bodies.