I change myself a lot. I have got work done everytime a new trend came along hoping to fit in. It was never good enough. I made my boobs bigger, butt bigger, lips bigger, and even changed my eye color for him. He wouldnt touch me. He couldnt love me. I was just his doll. A model of perfection he claimed but never wanted. It hurt so much inside. I grabbed a knife and cut it all away. 

As I lie in the hospital thinking about my life and how much I hated myself someone came along. They had flowers and a card. It said I was fine the way I was. I looked in the mirror covered in bandages and realized I loved myself more now deformed. I know beauty and I know pain. I think I love pain more.



There is this girl who paces up and down the street at 2am every day. The cops thinks she is just sleep walking so they try to help her. The neighbors think she lost her sanity awhile back. Ive walked up to her before and just stood there. She was cold and motionless. Her eyes were wide open with a hollow expression. I asked her was she okay. She never blinked just made a strange noise. I put my rosary beads in her pocket and slowly walked away. I am not afraid of her or what is inside of her. I just want to help her. She still walks around at 2am in the morning but now I always find her on my front porch sleep in the morning. She doesnt remember anything or how she gets to my house every day. 

Closed eyes

I hate closing my eyes because I can see you. You remind me of a dragon human hybrid. You always seem to find me even when I dont sleep. I cant get you to go away. You haunt me every day. I wish you would go away. I cant fight you or defeat you but I refuse to surrender. I cant sleep or you will come to me. What do you want? I am pregnant. I havent been with anyone. It doesnt seem human. My doctors are afraid to touch me. 

You Know

I stood over him with his chest open. His eyes were wide open watching my dissect him. He was still alive. That is the power of good drugs. You can be almost dead but still very much alive. He had so much panic in his eyes and I found it very amusing. He wasnt just another victim for me. No. This one was very special. He was a killer. He recently did a hit and run. He left a wife and child without a father and husband. That is very upsetting and I dont understand how people can be so heartless and cruel. Yet I stood over him as his eyes teared up like they were begging for mercy. I felt no sympathy. The man was a good dad. That is rare in today’s society. Every little girl should know what its like to be love by their dad unconditionally but he was dead. The last memory was seeing her dad brains all over the street and the guy driving away who killed him. Its a sad memory to have honestly. That wont be her last memory anymore now it will be me carving out his heart. 

Valentines Gift

I wait by the phone and you never call. I stare at my phone and your text never come. You say you are busy and I know its true. I wish you would acknowledge me and realize I exist too. I offer to cook and bring your things made with love but you reject me. I wait up all night hoping you remember I am your girlfriend. The hours go by and I get nothing. The holiday of love arrives and you are excited about it. You give me a gift. I didnt think you cared but it doesnt last long. You kiss me and leave. I dont hear from you until tomorrow. I snap. I decide to drive to your house so we can talk about our relationship but you see nothing wrong. I cry but you dont care. You leave me outside with tears in the rain so I burned down your house. You escaped and I chased you with the axe in my trunk. I love seeing the fear in your eyes and the tears you cry for the pain I carried for loving you. I kill you and call the cops. I sit and wait for them to come. I hope they kill me. Im tired of love.

My skin

You ever feel a bug run across your arm. Can you imagine that under your skin but intensified? Thousands of thins crawling under your skin all the time. The sensation is terrifying yet it bothers you so much you scratch and scratch. You feel a sense of relief so you scratch more and harder. Blood pours out your skin like a beautiful waterfall as you tear your skin off your body. You feel so relieved that there are no bugs but now you are bleeding out.


I can’t sleep

I can’t die

I sit up all day wondering why

Another day

Another time

I’ve lost count of the years 

That have gone by

One day

The same day

 All the days look the say

I look the same

I feel the same

I wonder why I feel this way

Seasons go by 

People grow old

Not me

For a 100 years

I have been 17 years old…….

He is watching 

I don’t know where he is from

I don’t know how he found me

But he watches

I take a shower

I drive my car

When I make dinner he is there

What does he want?

I have no clue

Maybe I should ask him

Maybe he will leave for good

I’m scared to turn around 

Or turn out the light

His smile grows wider 

He is much closer now